Life has been pretty freakin’ sweet as of late.  I’m not quite sure what’s been going on, but for the first time in a long time I feel like the dark clouds have begun to clear from the sky and follow someone else around.  Yes, yes, life hasn’t been that bad, but I have been in a slump. (Think batting .295 instead of .330 not October ’08 Stock Market.)  It’s something I think I’ve been dealing well with for the most part.  Sure, there was that church thing awhile back and moving and leaving Cares.  Work hasn’t been 40 hours a week of bliss but more like 60 hours of juggling a feather, bowling ball, and screamin’ toddler at the same time, however life is still grand.

I think this upswing of happiness started months ago with all of the changes in my life, but I really began to feel and embrace it in the past two weeks.  It doesn’t help that I’ve had some pretty awesome times with friends to remind me of how great life can really be.  The pajama party with my munchkins was the perfect beginning to this friendapalooza.  Then, the very next day I was graced with the the humor and wisdom of JLo during a three hour rendezvous outside of Late For The Train downtown.  Caffeine and people watching sets the perfect backdrop for two old friends to catch up on a Sunday evening.

Monday was no slacker in the joy department as Lauren, Jeff and I headed down the mountain to spend an evening with Matty Nay.  The drive down was full of spastic twitter conversations about Albert Pujols and the Saved By The Bell cast, and Mr. Nathanson did not disappoint.  Of course, I am a lil sad that for the second time in a row he showed love to my accompanying cast and not me, but watching him call out Jeff aka beard boy for not singing along to ‘Take On Me’ was well worth the lack of love.  Tuesday marked the release of the Ryan Adams’ album and Jeff’s release party complete with a drama queen (not me this time!), dutiful boyfriend, drunk roommate (mint ice cream mojitos, ew!), and Arrested Development, while Wednesday and Thursday brought good times with great friends, the kind that make you feel like you belong.

Our dear friend Kyle (Mr. I’ll Never Talk To You After Graduation) blessed us with his presence on Friday and filled our evening with tales of the Border Patrol Academy while we munched on tacos and enchiladas.  (Oh, the irony!) Grey’s Anatomy and Ugly Betty completed our Halloween evening, and Saturday was full of a Battlestar Galactica marathon (don’t hate) and an afternoon with my favorite Flagstaff family and their unicow.  On Sunday morning, I sang in church for the first time in two years and found a spiritual home, while Sunday evening was spent playing ‘beauty shop’ as I cut Jeff’s hair and colored Lauren’s. Finally on Monday night, I crashed and slept for 11 hours to recover from all of the activities on my social calendar.

So needless to say, life has been fan-freakin-tastic, until today… or yesterday, since it’s 2am now.  Wednesday was a challenge from beginning to end, and for a reason I couldn’t quite comprehend for most of it, I was off.  The questions of ‘are you ok’, ‘what’s wrong’, ‘why are you emo’ could only be answered with ‘I don’t know’ or a lie of ‘I’m fine‘.  Some of the air in my happiness balloon had escaped, and I really couldn’t remember why.  Then somewhere within the few minutes of my drive home from work the shuffle mode of my iPod once again silenced me with a simple Lucinda Williams song, and without conscious thought my car drove past my apartment and headed away from the lights of Flagstaff.

Somewhere between the fifth and sixth time I listened to the song on repeat, my brain was able to finally put the puzzle pieces of this day’s happiness hiccup together and sort through what my heart was refusing to acknowledge and remember.  The older I get the more I realize that happiness is a choice.  We get to decide what and who affects us positively or negatively.  Ever the control freak, I’ve struggled too many times to keep my sad moments or sorrows in check until I’m alone, or even worse, I’ve lied straight to the face of those who love and care about me for fear of appearing weak.  I can’t promise that I’ll never be upset again or that I’ll never lie and say ‘I’m ok’ when I’m not, but I can promise this… if you ask me today ‘are you alright’ I’ll tell you of yesterday’s heartache and today’s happiness, and on the days where I can only tell you ‘I’m ok’ and you know it’s a lie, don’t stop asking, please?

Lucinda Williams – ‘Are You Alright?’

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