I swear every time I babysit my favorite munchkins I spend the whole evening wondering how so many mothers do it. My evening last night went a bit like this:

1) Say hi to parents and console screamin’ 3 year-old (M) who’d just fallen down and help her find new, clean clothes. Yes, it is awkward when she asks me to chose her underwear and when I refuse she chooses pink ones cause they are my favorite color. Thank goodness, her parents don’t consider me a chimo.

2) Take 1 year-old (A) outside to distract him from parents’ approaching departure. Stop him from throwing rocks, chasing cats, and eating bugs.

3) Bring A back inside to empty house and pray he doesn’t freak out when he realizes parents have abandoned him. Start to make dinner while trying to keep him out of EVERYTHING. Still wish I knew where he found the screwdriver that instead of giving to me when I asked him to… he stabs me with.

4) Call M and J (7 year-old) in for dinner and handle protests that they should be able to keep playing because the sun was still out. Feed kids and dodge flying bite-sized pieces of pizza A is enjoying tossing. I should have stopped him but for the first time he wasn’t wailing. I’m only human.

5) Let M and J chose a tv show to watch before bathtime. Try to soothe screaming A because M has accidentally knocked him down. Deflect question from the 3 year old about what kinda boy I want to marry one day when I grow up and become a mom.

6) BATHTIME! Run Bath for M while J watches Hannah Montana. Get her in bathtub. Try to help her wash her hair while keeping baby from hopping into the bath water or tossing every item from his parents’ bedroom that he can find into the water including his dad’s Nikes. Try and convince M that aftershave is not ‘pundisioner’ that her daddy uses on her curls.

7) Finally, get naked M out of tub and dried off and in pjs while J showers and readies herself bed. Put girls to bed after minor meltdown when nightlight bulb burns out. Am forced to sing Hannah Montana songs as lullabys to calm M. Lose all dignity.

Spend next 5.5 hours with sleeping A on my chest who refuses to let me put him down without punching me and screaming. Trying desperately to not wake the girls or neighbors, allow baby to win battle and sit motionless for hours with human furnace on my chest and the remote control across the room under the couch. Lose my mind while watching the same episodes of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Hannah Montana, Cory In The House, and Wizards of Waverly Place three times each.

9) Minutes before parents arrive home, baby wakes me up by slapping my face and giggling. Before I can sell him to gypsies, parents rescue him and take baby out of my arms. Realize he has managed to cover me in sweat and drool over the course of an evening. Lovely.

10) Say goodbye. Drive across town without seeing a single other car. Stumble into my apartment minutes shy of 3am. Crawl in bed and swear to never, ever have children.

(There’s nothing like washing hair while keeping a baby restrained with your foot.)