Part of my job as a CaresTeam for the past four years has been meeting and greeting every new resident within their first month in the complex.  We knock on each door and present a gift box of baked goods to them with a welcome card while making sure they know what our upcoming events are and that they don’t need anything or have any questions.  It’s a simple gesture that helps us build relationships and just lets people know that even while they may not know anyone… they matter.  Sunday afternoon Keri and I gathered up our final twenty welcome gift boxes and headed out to meet our last group of new residents.  With the sky dark and threatening to dump on us, we split the boxes in two opting to travel separately this time and meet back at the house.  Less than an hour later, we had both completed all of the twenty visits except for one.

Many of you may have heard me tell tales of ‘creepy new guy’ and his ‘lost’ cat.  If you haven’t, the short story is new guy moves into complex and within the first night loses cat.  I spend two hours helping him search for cat in the dark only for him to find it inside his apartment as soon as I leave.  He then proceeds to start stalking me and knocking on my door all the time to ‘be neighborly’.  I begin to think maybe cat was never lost.  Creepy new guy yells at my favorite munchkins and is just generally creepy with his weird cat on a leash.  As you could guess, our final gift box was for CNG, but after all this time, we’ve learned that for situations like this… we go together.

So CNG lives on the third floor and after delaying the inevitable for more than a few minutes, Keri and I start to trudge up the stairs silently praying that CNG isn’t home.  For this one time, we have prepared to make an exception and not pay him a return vist, but instead plan to leave his prize and run if he doesn’t answer.  As Keri leads the way up the final few steps, she whispers to me that his creepy cat is on the window ledge staring at us.  Both intrigued by this freakazoid cat, we check it out and instanteously realize that not only are CNG’s blinds open but he’s chilling in his bithday suit in a chair watching tv.  Oh, sweet Lord, baby Jesus!!! Now let me just say CNG does not have the body of a god and as he sees us, he hops up out of his chair and in the fractions of a second since I noticed his lack of attire, I am forced into a horrific peep show before my brain can will my neck to turn it for the love of all that is right and holy.  Keri and I were stunned… blinded… with no clue what to do.

Sure, we’d see the guy we call Manties (Man + panties) sunbathing before, but he at least had a speedo on.  This was new territory for us, and before we could react, he had stumbled out the front door wearing a black undershirt that was not only on backwards but inside out so that the tag was flapping under his chin.  Then to make matters even worse, once again my eyes betrayed me as they were drawn down to watch him pull the shirt over his stomach only to realize that we had entered Act #2.  If you thought Act #1 was riveting, well Act #2 took the cake.  Why you make ask… well because it didn’t take long to notice in his hurry to pull athletic shorts on to race outside, he had not pulled them on completely or correctly and well… ummm… yeah, the tip of his penis was peeking out.  I almost lost it.  It took every ounce of self-control within me to not laugh in his face or puke on him.

Oh ,oh, but the story does not end there.  Somehow in the chaos of him running out and us trying to pretend we had not just seen our creepy new neighbor NAKED, he had positioned himself between us and the stairwell, and now because he’s made the effort to dress himself, we should gift with with a conversation.  Uh, excuse me, I don’t want to talk to you with or without clothes!  To top off the most scaring Cares experience ever, he asked us if we wanted to pet and meet his kitty.  (TWSS) In what felt like an eternity of pondering in my head how to respond to such a question without losing my cool or having the cops called on me, I lied and said I we had already been introduced and that Keri was allergic to all cats.    Then with a final prayer I grabbed Keri by the arm, pushed my way past CNG, and hauled butt home.  As soon as we were within the sanctuary of our apartment, we collapsed before dissolving into a fit of giggles.  Of all the reasons, I’ll be sad to leave life as a CaresTeam… you can guess the rest.