Last night before my head hit the pillow, my last prayer was, “Please, Lord. Don’t let it snow tonight.” Well, as faithful and good as God is, it snowed last night, and I awoke to another winter wonderland. Yet, it’s not winter. It’s supposed to be spring verging on summertime. I’m supposed to awake to the birds chirping and worry about sunburns and pool parties.  Something is all wrong here, and I don’t need (or care) to hear the lectures on why the snow happened or how good it is for Flagstaff. I know all of that. My issues are personal.

You see, for the past few weeks I feel like I’ve been on a bit of a losing streak.  My head and my heart have been stretched in every direction, and I just don’t seem to feel at ease anymore.  The one word that keeps coming to mind is overwhelmed.  It’s silly because as I line it all up, I’m still me and blessed and happy and winning the race, but it would be nice to have won a few battles lately.  I’ve taken that scary, vulnerable step of discussing a few of my not so pleasant moments in this public forum, but today there isn’t one big issue that I feel the need to sort out.  It’s just a bunch of little things.  Things that I’ve talked about here before.  Things I don’t want to discuss.  Things it seems silly to get upset over.

I’m sure all of those inner-Laurel struggles are why the snow has had such a profound effect on me today, and why even though it’s all melted away, its sadness still lingers.  I need to be able to plant flowers on my porch, water them and watch them grow.  I need to have to put sunscreen on and be made fun of for my ugly, green, wide-brimmed hat.  I need the winds of change to stop blowing and this chill to leave the air.  I need to know when I wake up tomorrow the sun will be out and sitting high in the sky waiting for me.

Please don’t be offended if the snow outside doesn’t thrill me.  I still love to watch it fall and marvel at its ability to transform the earth in just a few hours.  Flagstaff is still my home, and I can’t imagine living anywhere else.  I just need the weather not to be a public projection of inner-turmoil.  To put it simply, my soul just needs a lil sunshine.