After two taxing weeks of evidence gathering and detective work, local authorities and the Dept. of Homeland Security have made their case and are poised and ready to make their next move in the campaign to bring down Freedom’s Enemy. For those of you who may not be familiar with this terrorist regime, they are the group now thought to be behind the 2007 Boston Bomb Threat, Dora The Explorer Packaging Recall of 2006, Barbies Gone Bad in Baghdad last spring, and the most recent Abduction and Torture of Charlie. After meeting with the agents assigned to this campaign for most of the morning, my suspicions have been confirmed, and I have been presented with hard evidence pointing to the identity and whereabouts of Freedom’s Enemy.

The following seven pieces of evidence confirm that authorities are confident in their knowledge of what individuals make up Freedom’s Enemy and how they accomplished Charlie’s abduction (click on image to enlarge):

1) The door into where Charlie was displayed is key-coded with a log of who and when each person enters the building. This knowledge lead authorities to the first breakthrough that someone who has access to the building must have been involved.

2) Next, behavioral experts studied the interactions of the suspects with all other parties who knew of or were involved in this crime. Each suspect was casually questioned and their accusations to whom had done this crime were evaluated and investigated.

3) There are 24×7 video cameras placed at both entrances of the buildings. These video feeds were pulled, and a list of suspects who entered the building during their non-work time was compiled from the last time Charlie was seen until the moment he was found missing.

4) Authorities recognized the torturing tactics used to be those of Michael “The Shadow” Brandenburg, world-renown torture expert and military consultant. The Shadow confessed to supplying Freedom’s Enemy and its leader with the instructions needed in Charlie’s torture.

5) A second member of Freedom’s Enemy was determined based upon fingerprint evidence left on the second ransom envelope at the scene of the crime. This fingerprint was run against US and international databases to discover its owner.

6)”Deep Throat”, a sympathizer to Freedom’s Enemy, after 3 days of no human interaction, food or drink gave up the name of the leader of this terrorist organization. This confession corroborated the evidence found at the scene of the crime, and he was given full-immunity for his knowledge of these crimes. In order to guarantee the safety of the source, it has been decided that his or her identity will not be release until after the source becomes deceased.

7) Finally, upon further, review it has been determined that what was originally assumed to be Charlie’s thumb could not have possibly been his thumb after comparing it to a thumb of a man his same height and build.

Since up to this point no humans or action figures have been harmed, these criminals will be allowed one last chance to return Charlie and walk away unharmed. Charlie must be returned to the rest of the survivors of Flight 815 by 11:59 PM on Thursday, April 3rd, or a task force comprised of local, state, and national authorities will be deployed to the hideout of Freedom’s Enemy (at 1511 XXXX XXXXXX Way, Flagstaff, AZ) at Midnight, Thursday Night/Friday Morning.

Choose your next step wisely, Freedom’s Enemy, for it might be your last.